When I was younger my brother was fascinated by airplanes. It was one of those cute kid things, he liked understanding how things worked.
Because of that, often when we'd fly he'd talk to the flight attendants and pilots. They usually took a liking to him and one time we got to go into the cockpit of a plane, and the captain showed us where he sat, what buttons he pressed and how he flew the plane.
The only thing I remember about that was the autopilot switch.
It's crazy to think that planes can fly without anyone actually doing anything. That the machine knows what it's doing and after a certain point in a flight the pilot can sit back and watch it, without directly controlling it, just observing.
I was operating on what felt like autopilot for most of the latter half of last year.
I was in autopilot. I was moving and working and doing what I needed to do. My body was like plane, gliding through the air in a straight line, doing what it needed to do. Wake up, exercise, go to work, eat, sleep, smile, keep it together. And I was observing, watching in the pilots seat as it did what it needed to do, hands not on the steering wheel.
And I can't pinpoint when it started, it just happened over time. By the time I got to December and was going home for Christmas, to see my family I didn't really notice it.
It wasn't until 2 weeks turned into 6 months that I became aware that's what happened and I slowly moved out of autopilot and took control of the wheel again.
6 months of being able to slow down, to not feel like I have to savour every second here because my time is so short.
And week by week I started to feel like me again. The autopilot switch turned off and I felt present again.
I started to enjoy life and what I was doing instead of just muddling through it. Everything felt brighter and lighter and happier. And even when they didn't, when things felt hard I was able to go look at the ocean and just breathe. Listen to the waves crash and imagine those negative thoughts and feelings floating out to sea.
Florence Welch, one of my favorite artists has a line in one of her songs that says "Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back"
And for along time when I was unhappy I thought that's what happiness would feel like. Like a switch turns back on, and it's all clear and easy again.
But this wasn't like that. It wasn't sudden. It was a really slow transition from being on autopilot to feeling in control again. It wasn't noticeable, it just happened, very, very slowly.
I came back in December hoping to be moved out of autopilot, to feel in control of my life again, charting its path directly. And I got it and so much more. Not only are my hands back on the steering wheel but my mind is at peace driving my vessel now. I feel a lightness that I didn't have before and this time here reminded me that lightness is always inside me, I just sometimes need a change to bring it out again.
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